


baby monitoring

by Anonymous



Series: Happy Cooli-days! [2]
Category: American Housewife (TV)
Genre: M/M, about sex but not really yk, convenient misunderstandings, cringeworthy comedic relief, definitely not smut lmfao, parents talking to their kids candidly and awkwardly about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27999948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Oliver’s basement-remodeling efforts to create privacy for him and Cooper seem to be thwarted when the boys discover that Katie has placed a nanny cam in their room. Its message is both baffling and crystal-clear: no funny business. Uh, no funny business about what, exactly?-Happy Cooli-days! Day 2: Non-AU | Misunderstandings
Relationships: Cooper Bradford/Oliver Otto
Series: Happy Cooli-days! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2049231
Comments: 10
Kudos: 78





	baby monitoring

**Author's Note:**

  * For [baetrixv](https://archiveofourown.org/users/baetrixv/gifts).



> I was kinda hesitant to write this, but between the sex baskets and the way American Housewife dealt with Taylor starting to have sex in high school, I think this is pretty par for the course in terms of tone and approach. Still, please proceed with the understanding that this is a light, comedic take on a subject that can be uncomfortable for some. I hope you enjoy it!

Katie’s morning scheming is momentarily interrupted by the clink of Greg’s empty mug on the kitchen counter. He pushes his glasses up to his nose and leans over Katie’s shoulder, squinting at her laptop. The screen looks like the surveillance interface of a prison’s security post. “Uh, what is _this_?”

Katie rolls her eyes. “What does it look like, Greg?” 

“It _looks like_ you’re watching a live feed of our teenage son’s bedroom.”

Katie laughs at Greg’s attempt at reason. It’s commendable but futile. “It’s a live feed of our teenage son and his teenage _boyfriend’s_ bedroom.”

“...How?”

“Doris gave me her old Nest camera. I'm recycling, Greg! You _live_ for this!”

Greg chews his lip. Braving the lethal glare from his wife and co-parent, he comes out with it: “So should I start by reminding you that, despite having similar mental toughness, you are _not_ an FBI agent? Or should I start by listing the global laws that this violates?”

Katie finally turns toward him, leaning back on her wrists against the counter. “I’m not _actually_ going to watch it. I don’t want to see any of that!” She leans forward conspiratorially. “I’m just discouraging them from getting into any _funny business_ down there. Using Cooper’s money to build themselves an apartment does not make them adults! They do not get the same special privileges we tried to give Taylor.”

Greg pouts. “But what about our shared chuckles over my sex basket joke?” He raises an eyebrow. “I thought we were on the same page about Cooper and Oliver.”

“They could _have_ the basket back when they were sharing Oliver’s room and Cooper was having night terrors about sleeping on our 300-thread-count sheets. Now, they think they’ve _bought_ their right to privacy.” Katie raises a scolding finger, a crazed glint in her eyes that gives Greg the shivers. “I don’t think so! Just because those silky cashmere pillows get you in the mood does not mean they have earned the right to comfortably have sex in our house.”

Greg pauses for a moment. “Pillows?”

“Never mind. The point is," Katie motions to the laptop. "Now that they know they’re not alone, they’ll think twice about getting R-rated down there.” Katie returns to her invasive reality show, watching the screen remain a static picture of their basement.

Greg sighs and comes around the other side to face Katie. “I know we both agree that their quarrels could be resolved by some healthy sexual activity, but as far as we know, they’re not at that stage yet. I mean, the boys haven’t even admitted that they’re dating.”

“Oh, I’m sure they’re at that stage, Greg.” Katie gives him a hardened stare. He can almost see her flashbacks. “You haven’t witnessed what I have.”

“ _Okay_ , enlighten me then. What’s your evidence that this is a necessary precaution?”

“First of all, haven’t you noticed Cooper wearing Oliver’s clothes? Like the kid isn’t already storing the entirety of a Neiman Marcus in our house!”

Greg shrugs. “Maybe he just likes the comfort of it? I used to lend you my sweaters all the time in college.”

Katie nods along. “Yeah, because you’re _supposed to_ borrow that stuff as a girlfriend. I didn’t actually wear your scratchy wool cardigans! I just sprayed my perfume on them and let them sit in my closet for a week.”

“Ouch.” Greg takes a moment to process the sting. “Well, _still_ , sharing clothes is hardly indicative of them having sex.”

“Another time, I walked down there to wake the boys up for Sunday breakfast and they were sleeping in the same bed.”

“That doesn’t necessarily-”

“They were tangled up under the blankets! I had to hear Oliver’s morning voice groaning about how Cooper ‘shouldn’t leave bed yet.’ It was sickeningly loving, Greg!”

“Well, did you wake them up and let them explain?”

“No! Their hands started roaming and I wasn’t prepared to pry teenagers off of each other at 9 AM so I aborted the mission.”

Greg lifts his glasses off his nose and sets them down beside his mug. He wipes his face with one of his palms. “Okay, I _know_ you don’t want to hear this-”

Katie snaps, “Then don’t say it.”

“But there’s a good chance they still aren’t having sex.”

Katie inhales deeply, then turns to Greg. “You should be grateful that I have spared you the gory details that confirm it without mistake.”

Greg smiles, like a blissfully ignorant fool. “Try me.”

Katie returns his smile, only hers is wicked. This might have been a bad idea. “Okay, Greg. You think you’re so tough? Imagine yourself innocently enjoying your day, strolling down the hall of our rented home, and hearing a thump from inside our hallway closet.”

“Okay...”

“Now imagine that you hear sweet Cooper muttering that he’s ‘almost there’ through the door. You think nothing of it, but you stay because you have to be sure. Then you hear your own son saying he’s ‘really close to it’ followed by an exhale of relief. What are you supposed to feel, if not horror? That’s where we keep our _good_ linens, Greg!” Katie notices that her husband is stunned, so she pushes further, because why spare him the trauma she had to endure? “That closet is the perfect size for a Florida Home Run.”

Greg gasps. He’s scandalized. “ _No_! I expect this from the demon child, but not with our Cooper!”

Katie nods at him, smug at her victory. Unfortunately, Greg’s righteousness doesn’t concede for long.

“So if they _are_ having sex, isn’t it better for them to be in the house, where we know they’re safe?”

She laughs at him. “Trust me, Greg. These two aren’t in danger of slumming it in a gas station bathroom like Trip and Taylor.”

Greg cocks his head to the side. That’s a sure sign to Katie that a thought she wouldn’t like is rolling around in there. “Well, if part of your intention is to keep them from paying their way to adult privileges, _shouldn’t_ they be having sex at the house? Here, it’s awkward and they have to make sure no one walks in on them. I mean, would you rather them go out to Cooper’s yacht? I’m _sure_ that would really hammer down the ‘you can’t buy your privacy’ lesson.”

“That’s the thing. They’ve paid away the awkwardness, Greg! Their mini apartment has a lock _and_ it’s soundproofed!” She squints at him, exasperated. “ _Why_ is it soundproofed?”

Greg offers a useless shrug. 

“There’s nothing wrong with them fooling around a little. They just shouldn’t be able to fool around comfortably because of Cooper’s money.”

Greg nods, carefully placing a hand on Katie’s shoulder. “Well, Cooper already gave up his credit cards. It’s safe to say, from here on out, there won’t be anymore corner-cutting like this. So, _maybe_ we can ease up on them?”

“You’re right. I should relax about it.” Katie sighs. “But they’re still in _high school_.”

Greg clears his throat uncomfortably. “I mean, so were you.”

“I don’t mean _that_. I mean that they’re already living together in their own private space. A private space that happens to be beneath our house. It’s just weird for me as a mom.”

Greg gives her a reassuring smile. He understands. It’s weird to watch the kids grow up into real human _people_. “Well, are you feeling a little less anxious about it now?”

Katie shrugs, then presses a kiss to Greg’s cheek. “I guess I am. Thanks, honey.” 

“Great, because you might want to check back on your live stream there.”

When she does, the screen, unlike before, is no longer displaying the large expanse of the boys’ luxury semi-apartment. The camera's been shut off.

Katie jumps to her feet, knocking Greg back against the cupboards in the process. She has fury coiling in her tight fists and Greg can only meander pathetically behind her as she bounds down the stairs to the basement.

While her thunderous feet pound down the steps, the door flies open, revealing an equally pissed-looking Oliver. “Looking for _this_ , Mom?” He’s waving the nanny cam around, taunting her.

Katie stands before him with her lips pursed. She casually, but quickly, snatches it from Oliver’s hand. “Yes. Thank you.”

Greg sighs at the both of them.

Oliver crosses his arms. “Care to explain _why_ you were invading our privacy?”

Katie stares back at him.

Oliver narrows his eyes. “I will _sue_ you.”

“I’d like to see you try!” Katie leaps at him but fails under Greg’s hold.

“Okay, okay,” He scolds the two. “Let’s all _relax_.”

Oliver’s dagger eyes fall on Greg now. Cooper squeezes his shoulder in support.

Greg ignores the glaring and takes the camera from Katie’s unwilling fingers. “I think you owe them an explanation.”

Katie sighs, then motions for Oliver and Cooper to sit on the sofa. They oblige, Oliver begrudgingly, and Cooper with a smile. “I put this here because…”

They wait.

“We know you’re having sex,” Greg blurts out.

Katie winces at his ill-timing. “Greg!”

“Sorry. But they deserve the truth.”

Oliver looks horrified. _You and me both,_ Katie thinks. “We are _not_ having sex!” He insists.

Katie nods in disbelief. “Uh-huh, that lie might work on this schmuck-” to which Greg protests with a wounded “Hey!”

She rolls her eyes, then turns back to the boys. “But don’t try it on me. I’ve heard it happening!”

Oliver’s cheeks flush, and Katie thinks she hasn’t seen him that color since he was born. “I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I promise you that we haven’t had sex,” he repeats.

“Yeah,” Cooper pipes in, sullenly clutching a heavenly-soft pillow to his chest. “We’re not even dating.”

Greg, Katie, _and_ Oliver turn to him, bewildered. They all erupt with confusion. “ _What_?”

Oliver frowns. “Wait, we’re not?”

“Well, yeah.” Cooper tries to conceal a pout, but his eyes are downcast. “You never asked me about it,” he mumbles quietly. “And you _always_ get mad when they call me your boyfriend.”

“That’s because we hadn’t told them! I just thought-” Oliver pauses. He looks to his parents, panicking. Greg is just as troubled, but Katie offers a supportive smile. _You can do this, kid._ “Cooper,” he starts, reaching for Cooper’s hand. “Would you like to be my boyfriend?”

Cooper is hesitant, but after a second, he slowly threads his fingers with Oliver’s. “I would like that a lot.”

Katie and Greg smile, coming together in a proud hug as they watch their son and his new boyfriend finally sort out the source of their frustrations. Upon fully processing this resolution, Greg has a thought: 

“Does this mean that you two having sex down here _is_ a concern now?”

Oliver groans, shooing at his parents with his free hand. “Get out!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As always, comments and kudos are much appreciated. You can yell at me about cooliver on tumblr: @thanatsarans.


End file.
